pain
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.