[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again