[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.