Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work