Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.