Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.