Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

This did not end as expected.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.