Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.