Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.