Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Follow me for more life hacks.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.