(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
