Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

They also CAN sing✌️

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan