[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.