[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend