Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.