[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The news
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.