[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black