Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.