Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me after i passed that state trooper
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand