Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?