Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

make up your mind

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

#Caturday

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.