*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
dark side of the loom
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.