Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

you’re not fooling anyone

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Split the bill

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.