Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”