Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off