Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
What
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.