Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

⚠️ Important Reminder:

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires