“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Good boy 😂😂
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure