Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her