@mjkspeaks

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

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@TripleFlip66

[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

@gorrdano

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

@ghostkrogh

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

@GoldenSpirals

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done