*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

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[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’


Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.


There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.


*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?


Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud


I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,



HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space


*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done