*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.