@mjkspeaks

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

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@mistrustme1

This nurse acts like no one else takes off all their clothes when they get on the scale. Pfft

@Jade_VK

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

@_itspat_

There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@literally_is_me

All I’m saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.

@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers

@batkaren

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me