*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”