Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism