Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
oh u like geography? name every lake
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.