Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
You Might Also Like
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day