Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin