Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark