Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell