Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

It be like that sometimes 😆

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago