Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.