Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

🎵 I can’t wait to

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.