PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy