Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.