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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..