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What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
this is so top tier i cant
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*