If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*offers Batman cough drops*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
next question.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*