Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.