Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Choose your fighter

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up