Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Print is alive and well!!!

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened