Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.![]()
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[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I want this so bad
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
i did the math
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”