Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed