take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!