Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did