Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.