Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Alexa turn off the planet

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.