Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
the three branches of government
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
#parenting
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now