[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
