Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.