Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguins walking in 5x speed

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

*seductively peels off lederhosen

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.