PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow