PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
You Might Also Like
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house