[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*