Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!