Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.