Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
