Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?