Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

How to walk around a museum

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese