Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

accurate

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Terribly Tuesday.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do