Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody