Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE