Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁