Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream