Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
LMFAOOOO
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Phones down.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.