Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Bro what is this

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.