Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

remember

only for emergencies

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.