Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there