Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

it’s not been my year

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

I will never stop laughing at this

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.