Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat